Ten things you need to do to be a good presidential candidate 

A primer on the 2008 presidential election 

by Joe McCarthy

 

1. Speak in vagaries, avoid specifics that put you on the spot. Use high sounding buzzwords like 'change', 'hope', 'the future', 'move forward', etc.

 

2. Be a woman or racial minority. Such an advantage precludes opponents from even daring to attack you, for fear they'll be thought of as 'racists', 'sexists', 'bigots', et al.

 

3. Portray opponents as representing the 'status quo', or 'the past'. This method should especially be employed if your opponent has more experience or qualifications than you do.

 

4. Cultivate a lofty bearing and tone. This causes people to project a messiah complex onto you. Above all, avoid all substantive statements. This can only detract from your persona.

 

5. Try hard to be unclear. People think profound what they are unable to fully understand.

 

6. Be a blank slate, a political tabula rasa. The less people know about you and what you stand for the more they'll assume the best in you; projecting their hopes and aspirations upon you. People like an empty suit that they can mold in accordance with their own comfort zone. Conversely, the more they know about you the higher your negatives go up and the lower your poll numbers go down. Substance is out. Be vague, inexact, speak in platitudes.

 

7. Be sure to get in good with the media. (This cannot be emphasized too highly. If they like you they will ignore your weak points. If they dislike you they will give you an anal exam.) There are many ways to do this, among them being black or a member of another 'victim' group, being a 'maverick' member of a party or group the media dislikes, or simply by kissing their asses. Try to avoid being white, conservative, or male. These will work against you.

 

8. Avoid having a clear or long track record. If you've done a lot it only enables people to attack you. Doing nothing is a definite plus.

 

9. Encourage people to compare you to past men of great achievement, especially if you've achieved nothing great yourself.

 

10. Remember, sophistry sells. The people are gullible. Give them glitz, glamour, slick marketing and packaging. A good tie or a nice smile goes at least as far as good ideas, experience, or even competence.